An Embarrassing Memory

My adult daughters were over for dinner and cards the other night. We had a fun time reminiscing and laughing about their childhood escapades. I share with lightness because they were all pretty well-behaved kids, and I didn’t have to discipline much. Claire was compelled to retell a story that was funny in retrospect, but of which I’m not particularly proud.

She and her older brother Anders were probably 4 and 6 at the time. I don’t recall the specific extenuating circumstances, except that they had been unusually rowdy and wouldn’t cooperate with my requests all afternoon. In all likelihood, I was distracted by a project or a deadline. In frustration, I lost my temper and told them they would get a spank (not previously part of my disciplinary repertoire).

Anders shouted for Claire to run, and he led the way as they bolted to his bedroom, where they clambered up to his top bunk. I’m embarrassed to admit it, but with steam coming out of my ears, I went after them. When I tried to grab either of them to get them down, they scrambled to squeeze their little bodies between the mattress and the wall! As I chided for them to get down, NOW, all they could do was laugh and grunt as they tried to maneuver and maintain their defensive position. Humiliated, I threw up my arms, gave up, and walked away.

That was an uncharacteristically trying day. I’m sure I was most upset with myself, but I may have believed the kids’ behavior caused my upset.

This story seems nebulous compared to the difficulties many encounter at the hands of other individuals, groups, or institutions, from simple slights and selfishness to neglect or intentional harm, even unimaginable. No one is exempt from experiencing hurt or setbacks in their lives caused by a rift in a relationship or by the words or actions of a perfect stranger.

While we can take total responsibility for what we think and do, we have no power over other people’s hurting attitudes, words, and actions….

OR DO WE?

Healing the Criminally Insane

The legendary healing work of psychologist Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len came to light when Dr. Joe Vitale, best-selling author and personal development guru, caught wind of his story and contacted him to learn his method firsthand. According to their co-authored book, Zero Limits, Dr. Len cured a complete ward of criminally insane patients of a Hawaiian state hospital without ever seeing them.

This ward was quite dangerous and not a pleasant place to live, work, or visit. The staff felt unsafe. Fearing attack from patients, they would walk with their backs against the wall, often called in sick, or simply quit. Turn-over was high.

According to the account, for four years, Dr. Len studied the files of each inmate then looked within himself to see how he shared responsibility for creating that patient’s illness. Then, holding each file, he would work on himself. As he improved himself, the patients improved and began to heal. Many went off medication, and others were released. Staff enjoyed coming to work, and absenteeism and turn-over disappeared.

Dr. Len’s approach used a Hawaiian healing and cleansing method called Ho’oponopono, a potent forgiveness and healing process taught by Hawaiian spiritual leaders or Kahunas based on healing through forgiving and loving oneself.

The roots of the Hawaiian word are hoʻo (to bring about) and pono (rightness). Repeated syllables, as in ‘ponopono,’ often express an emphasis. Traditional Ho’oponopono centers on relationships and a sense of community, and communal feelings of responsibility toward an issue. One person’s issue is considered everyone’s issue. Practiced as long as Hawaiians can remember, the process can take a day or, in some cases, years until a resolution is found that can be accepted by all.  

The teaching of Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len has become well-known in healing circles outside the traditional Hawaiian cultural practice. It propagates the idea of using the Ho’oponopono as a self-focused, mental cleansing method based on four mantras:

1. I love you.
2. I’m sorry.
3. Please forgive me.
4. Thank you.

Dr. Len explains that “total responsibility for your life means that everything in your life—simply because it is in your life—is your responsibility. In a literal sense, the entire world is your creation.” This means that anything you experience and don’t like, such as your difficult neighbor, a selfish friend, a political leader you can’t stand, or a vicious terrorist you see on the news, is up for you to heal. In a manner of speaking, they only appear to exist and are actually projections from inside you. “The problem isn’t with them; it’s with you, and to change them, you have to change you.”

This concept is tough to grasp, but I invite you to suspend judgment and disbelief, even if you are skeptical. You have been taught that we are entirely separate from one another. In truth, your mind connects to every other mind and affects everything. I’m sure you’ve had the experience of thinking of someone you haven’t seen or heard from in a while, and you serendipitously run into them, or they give you a call out of the blue. Or you’ve been about to say something to someone, and they say it first.

There are no such things as idle thoughts. All thoughts are active and have impact, and words and actions even more so. Because we all share energy and connection to each other, we can influence that energy positively or negatively for others. Even the slightest actions, positive or negative, can become catalysts for other actions beyond our imagination.

No matter the cause of your upset, the best place to heal the problem is to look inside yourself. It’s really the only thing you can control. Because all minds are joined, your healing becomes their healing. You may or may not see results right away, but healing is still happening.

This is a very radical, almost unbelievable concept, but it has been transformative for me. We all have the power to activate the potential for healing in others by healing our own thoughts, actions, and motivations.

A Profound Dream

Returning to the event I shared in the beginning about my response to my kids pushing me to my limits when they were little, let me continue. Several years later, I had a dream about that very incident combined with a movie I’d recently seen. The film was based on the actual lived experience of the children involved with drug gangs in the slums of Rio de Janeiro in the 1980s. It was brutal. Kids were killing other kids on behalf of the warring drug lords.

In the dream, I was frustrated and cursing under my breath, repeating that humiliating behavior of trying to wrangle my kids off the top bunk to spank them for their misbehavior. Then my awareness went directly to the scene in Rio from the movie where a little boy held a gun against another little boy’s head. Tragically, he pulled the trigger. Immediately, my dream returned me to the same scene of me and my little rascals. Instead of anger, I breathed, remembered how much I loved my children, and gently encouraged them to engage with me in a fun activity. Once again, my awareness switched to the boy with the gun against the other little boy’s head. This time he lowered the weapon.

I cannot begin to convey the profundity of that dream. It was only a few seconds, but it was life-changing. I realized that my choice of action was tipping the balance energetically, either to the detriment of others or even saving a life—and I don’t mean only in my own apparent circle of influence. Our influence is infinitely expansive. Choosing Love over fear—the root of all negative thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors—has a maximal effect that we may never comprehend.

I intended to release all triggers of upset after that profound dream and did so with a modicum of success. However, when I discovered the Ho’oponopono, I had a concrete formula to address situations and people I felt had wronged me or caused my anger, frustration, worry, disappointment, and regrets.

Whenever I’m triggered by the actions or even activated by empathy for the painful problems of others, I realize an opportunity for healing myself has presented itself. I tap into the place where the hurt resides within myself, and with as much feeling as I can, I say the four statements as many times as feels appropriate.

I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.

With this process, I’m choosing to be a better me; and because all minds are joined, I know that choice will impact circumstances and people around me and beyond for the better, too. Amazingly, usually after a few times through, I immediately feel a release of negative emotion.

According to this philosophy, we are all responsible for everything we see in our world. We can heal ourselves and the world by taking full personal responsibility and then healing the wounded places within ourselves.

Your neighbor is your other self dwelling behind a wall. In understanding, all walls shall fall down. Who knows but that your neighbor is your better self wearing another body? See that you love him as you would yourself. He too is a manifestation of the Most High. —Kahlil Gibran